USA v Ghana: A Bro Preview

USA v Ghana: A Bro Preview

Tomorrow marks a huge day for the United States. For the first time in 8 decades, the US has won their group and advanced on to the elimination rounds. Tomorrow at 1:30 PM, the US takes on the Ghana Black Stars in hopes of advancing onto the next round.



HOW TO WATCH: Luckily for the weaker-hearted, the game is being played in the afternoon. However, that doesn't mean you can't still wake up at 9 and start pre-gaming. I've found that the best way to pre-game for an afternoon game is by getting your best bros and a few sorostitutes together at someone's house. Once there, get the sorostitutes to make some kind of delicious breakfast (pigs in a blanket or whatever they know how to make) in exchange for some tasty hard mimosas. Throw the Uruguay v South Korea game on ESPN HD just for some background video, put your favorite chill playlist on the speakers and just kick back and enjoy the company.



Around 12ish, either A) tap the keg or B) head to your favorite local sports bar. Given the bar will be more crowded, there's nothing that can compete with a room full of drunk, proud fellow American's chanting "USA! USA! USA!" after a win. Either route you take, make sure to pay attention to the game and have a great fucking time doing it.

IF THE US WINS: If the United States pulls it off (which they will) tomorrow afternoon, go absolutely nuts. Continue day-partying until dinner time, get a hamburger and freedom fries or a big-ass steak, and get ready for the night. If you're lucky enough to live in an area with rows of bars and closed streets, go out in full force with a smile on your face and don't be scared to shout "USA!" before/after every round of shots.




IF THE US LOSES: As unlikely as it seems, this World Cup so far has been incredible, and filled with plenty of upsets. If the US slips up and doesn't manage to beat Ghana, don't get upset. It's okay to be pissed in the beginning, but nobody likes a belligerent asshole who's rampaging around in a fit of anger. Nobody, especially potential slampieces, like that person. Remember to just be happy and celebrate the USA's success in this year's World Cup. Also, it's Saturday and summer time, there's no reason to get all pissy. Just concentrate and move onto the next important thing of the day: alcohol and girls.

Have a great Saturday bros and remember to sport the most patriotic clothing you have tomorrow. Allow me to close with this genius quote from another great American, Kenny Powers

"Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism. "